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On the last day of 5th grade, the teacher cheerfully bid Samantha good-bye saying, “You were a pleasure to have in my classroom!” The surprised child confided to her mom later that day, “Mom, I thought she hated me all year!”
How could Samantha, who made good grades and never got in trouble, think that?, her mom wondered.
What could account for a perception gap as wide as the Grand Canyon between teacher and student? The 5th grader’s belief resulted from her teacher’s actions—actions of omission, not commission.
Samantha, as neither a validation-seeking star nor a time-consuming troublemaker, traveled the entire school year underneath the educator’s radar. Such girls and boys are considered invisible. The invisible ones fail to get noticed, complimented, or criticized. Minimal interaction equates to never establishing a personal connection with the teacher. The conclusion these children often make is that they must have done something wrong to warrant being ignored.
Invisible children come in many varieties. These boys and girls can be academic successes or average performers in class. They may be quiet or have shy temperaments, but still be outgoing and chatty within their small circle of friends. What determines a child’s barely-there status depends entirely upon teacher priorities.
Teachers can be distracted by the extremes in their classes. Children laboring under the weight of learning problems, discipline issues, or difficult home circumstances take up a large part of a teacher’s time and energy.
At the other end of the spectrum are the easy students, the pets. These are the children whose hands are always raised to answer or ask questions, the ones who charge the teacher’s desk to volunteer or chat. They serve as a relief, a respite from the trying ones. Who are they? Usually, the “popular kids”: the brightest, most charming, or best-looking.
When a teacher needs help or is asked to make a recommendation, the most outgoing and accomplished students often come to mind first. Popular types are confident and enjoy their status and recognition. Teachers play favorites without realizing they do so, and this focus comes at the expense of other, less attention-seeking, but deserving candidates.
Few, if any, children are invisible to their parents. In fact, most children experience a great deal of pressure from their parents to be superstars. Children get the message. In Kathleen Cushman’s book, What We Can’t Tell You: Teenagers Talk to the Adults in Their Lives, a teen confided, “Every parent wants their kid to be a famous doctor that discovers cures and all. But it’s a lot of pressure, even if you don’t realize it. If your mom says, ‘You’re going to be great, you’re going to do wonderful things,’ you’re like, ‘Well, what if I don’t? Do you not want me anymore?’”
Your child may be trying hard to make you proud, and yet still go unnoticed or unrecognized by school personnel on a daily basis. How can you tell?
- Look for conversational clues. There are things kids might say to tip off that they are perceived as invisible. “I thought I did really well on that essay, but there was nothing written in the margin. My friend had tons of comments scribbled in his,” or “No matter how well I do out on the field, the coach never pats me on the back.”
- Keep track of your child’s attendance at school events. Kids who are overlooked tend to lose interest in going to school activities.
- Ask, “Do you and your teacher connect well?”
- Watch for signs of withdrawal. Girls and boys who remain out of the social loop may be teased and stigmatized as “misfits.” Boys are less likely than girls to confide this to you. Ridiculed kids work hard to become invisible.
If you suspect that your child moves in the invisible zone at school, consider taking one of the following actions:
Ask your child’s teacher for a “social” evaluation. Teachers are familiar with conveying to parents a student’s academic performance. They also will report on misbehavior when a student disrupts the class flow. Go to the next level and request an evaluation of your child’s social behavior. Inquire about class participation. This will help bring your child into focus. Once he or she is on the teacher’s radar, the teacher is more likely to encourage your child to participate and compliment or assist your child.
If you have a child who prefers being alone, mention this to the teacher. Determine the teacher’s attitude regarding loner behavior. Ask the teacher how such a child can be accepted as he or she is, and still get validation in the classroom. By pursuing this line of questioning, you are giving the teacher permission to develop inclusive strategies.
Suggest that quiet personalities be discussed during class, if it fits the curriculum. For example, if your child learns about the accomplishments of renowned poet Emily Dickinson, a notorious recluse, his or her self-esteem may soar.
Inquire if the teacher creates a “classless classroom.” Teachers need to be made aware that favoritism, even if unconscious, can be damaging to your child and other invisible children. Talk about the caste system that exists in most middle schools and high schools, and how popular kids receive the most rewards. Find out what the teacher does to ensure that no child is shortchanged of the attention and positive reinforcement needed to succeed.
A teacher’s recognition wields enormous power and influence. According to the 2005 MetLife Survey of the American Teacher: Transitions and the Role of Supportive Relationships, students who report having teachers who made a difference in their lives report a more positive school experience. Children who admit to having three teachers who made a difference accrue a variety of benefits. Twice as many (36%) reported being more interested in classes than those with no connection (18%). They feel cared about and important (34% versus 16%.) The report also showed that connected children feel safer, and are more likely to envision higher education in their future.
For children to receive these benefits, they need that student-teacher connection. Teachers juggle so many demands. They are not perfect. If you have a child who slips through the cracks like Samantha did, it’s your responsibility to alert the teacher and help her or him learn a new lesson: how to make the invisible child visible.
Margaret Sagarese and Charlene Giannetti are the co-authors of Keep Cliques and Bullies from Invading Your Classroom, and they lecture nationally. For more information, send an e-mail to msagarese@aol.com.
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